Instagram vs Real Life

I'm sure you've all seen this article floating around (thanks Lucy for sending). I cracked up reading this because it's painfully true. If you remember a little while back, I touched on how fake Instagram can be. Reading back now, I realize what a novice I was. I had only started to embark on the beginning of my filtered and staged journey through Instagram, mocking those who I've now become. I was so inspired by Olivia's post that I thought I would write my own. I'd love to say that what you're about to read is all a big joke, but the joke would be on me (because it is…). So please read carefully, spare judgments, brace yourself for a lot of hashtags and don't unfollow me

We all do it, just no one's talking about it. #DoItForTheInstagram

The House Decor Shot:

What I'm trying to portray: Showing off my new side tables from Target. Woo-hoo for pretty mirrored things and amazing "coffee table" books that show how well rounded I am in baseball, sports, politics and how I'm a child at heart with the Dr. Seuss book.

What is actually going on:  Take a real good look at this picture. See anything missing? How about WHERE THE F%$K ARE MY FEET?! I know you're probably thinking I'm a magician or asking, "Is Krista really a ghost?" To clear up any rumors, I'm actually just a freak. Do you know how hard it is to take a picture with a mirror and NOT show up in it? Who wants to see an instagram with my feet in it? No one. So (while alone in my apartment) with the judgement of only my cat (who also tried to photobomb this picture) I put one leg on the edge of my bed and the other on the window sill/air-conditioner across the way. Yes, you're picturing this right. I'm straddling my bed and the AC to take this photo. Let's move on.

The I < 3 NYC Shot

What I'm trying to portray: I live in #NYC #OMG I'm spending my weekends wandering around the fabulous city buying fabulous things and meeting fabulous people.

What is actually going on: *Don't die, don't die, don't die* Why yes, I did choose to stop walking across the four-lane street for an Instagram shot. People love to see photos of the city. You know what they love more? When the sky is a teal blue/green and the building is a sheer purple/blue. Gotta love the saturation filter on these apps. Side note: I was stuck in the median for an entire extra light sequence. Sure, I was a little late meeting my friends, but I couldn't get the right angle in the first 15 shots.

The Ladies Who Lunch Shot

What I'm trying to portray: Ladies who lunch? Oh yes, of course I'm part of this very prestigious club of girls who don't have day jobs and can throw money away on crazy expensive lunches that I won't even fully eat. #Vegan #GlutenFree

What is actually going on: Stuffing my face at the restaurant on the ground floor of my building during my nonexistent lunch break. Why only one glass of wine, you ask? Because I'm at work. See that pushed away glass of water? Yea, that bad boy is mine (but we all know still water isn't cool enough to be photographed). And if I was drinking, you'd see that refection in the mirror of my sunglasses falling over. Yes, you see that right. I'm standing up over the table taking photos of our food while everyone is looking at me. Those who judge me obviously don't have Instagram. Or maybe they do and are just judging me anyway because I know I do. #NotVegan #NotGlutenFree

The I Own Shoes Shot!

What I'm trying to portray: Showing off my new Kate Spade shoes (#duh). I'm kicking up my heels for the weekend and ready to hit the town in these $250 wedges because I'm cool like that.

What is actually going on: I'm laying on the floor with my legs up against the wall while my friends are waiting on me to leave. "I have to get the right shot," I plea as they offer to take one for me. I kindly accept the offer but of course they don't take any worth editing. Twenty minutes later I give up and we head out. In the car I'm screening and deleting all the ones I don't like and fall in love with my very first try #whoops

The Did I or Didn't I Eat That Shot?

What I'm trying to portray: Are you really a blogger if you don't Instagram at least one shot per week of your ice cream? You see that bite out of the right side? That means back up #YouDidNotEatThat minions.

What is actually going on: Sure, I got ice cream on my vacation. I indulge in a little ice cream here and there. But let's clear a few things up. I hate sprinkles and I only got them so they'd be pretty in the photo. I walked around the block to find a colored wall, and the other side of the cone and my hand are COVERED in melted ice cream #sexy. I also made Andrew eat half of it. And by half I mean almost all.

And by almost all I mean all but two bites. Judge me.

The Creepy Hand/This isn't Staged Shot

What I'm trying to portray: Showing off my navy and white Ralph Lauren plates! #NavyOrNothing #PreppyToTheMax #I'mSoCool I can do SO many more activities with these: entertain, eat in style, lay them out for show … the possibilities are endless.

What is actually going on: I did just buy these bad boys. I mean I brought them home, realized I hadn't Instagrammed that night, and took this* shot. (*This = approximately 30 photos). Taking photos of just the plates weren't enough. You know I had to add in the #CreepyHand. I quickly painted my left hand (because I mean, no one ever sees the right anyway) and threw on any rings I could find and snapped away. I was racing the daylight here! Do you know how difficult it was to take this photo? How one plate is boring and my island wasn't clean enough to take an overhead shot. I had four sets but only snapped three? Took me about 15 minutes to create the perfect staged shot to show I had other plates, but to have one be the main focus. I'm pretty sure the plates are still in this exact place as we speak. I really should wash those…

The Cab (Hand) Selfie 

What I'm trying to portray: Just showing off my fun mani that I just paid $$ for that JUST so happens to match my uber preppy dress. Did I mention I was in an Uber going to some super fun event?

What is actually going on: Where to start on this one. I was running late to work because I had a chipped nail and you can't just touch up one nail, it's a whole process. So I avoid touching anything from between my apartment and the nearest cab (as to not mess up the hack job I just created on my hands) and head off to work. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO TAKE A CAB PHOTO IN NEW YORK!? All the bumps and quick stops and hitting pedestrians (slightly but not completely off base exaggeration) make for about 30 blurry shots of your hand over your crotch. Before I knew it I was at work and that was the end of this fun photo shoot. I'm going through my photos about two weeks later when I'm bored at home and find a semi-decent photo from this outing and decide it's worthy of a post. Take that, #latergram.

The "I'm Too Cool" for a Selfie, Selfie 
What I'm trying to portray: Living the life, looking amazing, hanging out on a beach. Wearing the top that you now really want, and earrings that just about every girl owns. Oh and my hair? Did I not mention I was a part time model? 

What is actually going on: Sure, I'm on the beach in Atlantic City hanging out with my boyfriend (who just had to take about 10 of the same, but always somehow different) shots waiting for our table to be ready at dinner. BUT what you don't see is the trash can behind me, the trashy people twerking at the beach club to my left and the no makeup/wet hair I'm rocking. That's right people. You think cutting off my face was for "artistic effect." LOL at that. Ya girl is looking good from the lips down and I'm going to show that off. BTW, who holds their sunglasses like that in real life? 

The Downward Facing Outfit Shot
What I'm trying to portray: Casually Sunday brunching. Since it's the only way to spend your Sunday afternoon in the city. Blue is my favorite color and I'm rocking it head to toe. And, you know, downward selfies are the way to go. #DoItForTheInstagram

What is actually going on: My boyfriend has long walked ahead of me since I've stopped at every concrete square that has less black gum than the other (the total was six before I gave in). There is quite an art to this type of selfie because you know this isn't how it looks when you look down. Gotta stand feet together and pop out that leg. Note: leg-popping is only needed for the girls who don't have that (dumbly sought after) thigh gap. Remember girls, your thighs touching means your one step closer to being a mermaid! Back to what I was saying. Feet together? Check. Leg pop-out? Check. Next is the booty pop and half bend. Gotta push the butt back so you can see everything better. Then you have to angle your top half 15 degrees forward to really see it all. Have to show off the gold MK watch, so stick that hand right on in your pocket. Now you're ready! Set the iPhone on square mode, bring it right up under your nose and snap away. You can always edit later. 

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